to be honest, im in the middle of such a big dilemma..

i need to choose between my head or my heart, since those things are not in the same page for this matter rite now..

my question to myself will be:
do i want to be a head without a heart, or vice versa?

its easy to say, why dont u have both?
the problem is, i can't.

my heart said, "it feels so good when we start out.."
my head said, "get a grip girl!! unless u're dying to cry ur heart out.."

then, its not helping at all when i read about my horoscope from yahoo site.
"Up and down, back and forth, just like a roller coaster. That's what your head and heart will go through today, as your mood swings this way and that."

see, im stuck between the head and the heart.. my head and my heart...

in my past, i surely will follow what my heart said..
but turns out, it can be a big dissapointment..
and when it does, my heart just gonna cry.. and my head will take control to heal it.. with a sentence "told you!"

i dont know.. i dont think im ready to face chances of being hurt or any other consequences..
i cant afford it.. not yet.. not with ur attitude...

sometimes, this uncertainty is killing me..
and i think, i just reached my boiling point..

but still, if only...

http://liriklaguindonesia.net/a/armada-band/armada-mau-dibawa-kemana/

talking about me..
im a lady who always think that there is always an explanation about everything..

and just few weeks ago, i found a good explanation about something..

in indonesia, when people cheated. they usually called it "bermain dengan api" or "playing with fire"

i always wondering, why they called it that way.. until that day, i had my fire training..

the trainer explain about fire, how to extinguish, etc.. but there were 2 slides, that made me like... "ahaaa.. this is the answer for what i've been questioning all this time"
here's the screenshot:



in the slide, she told me that fire is trigger by 3 elements.. heat, oxygen, and fuel..
same with cheating.. its usually involve 3 parties. urself, ur partner, and the other partner..
everything will be under control, if you only have urself and ur partner.. but once, there is someone else join the cycle... life will get pretty hot..
picture urself as the oxygen.. ur partner as the heat.. and the other one as the fuel..

as an oxygen, u are neutral.. there always be 'heat' in any relationship.. which, oxygen can still handle it.. but when the 'fuel' come.. its like 2 vs 1.. the oxygen gonna lose.. urself gonna lose...

if someone think, that in a relationship when 1 of the person cheated.. the one who get hurt so bad will be the not-cheated party.. well, IMO its not totally right.. because theres still a possibility, that the one who cheated is the one who got hurt so bad..

its like, u are in a position when u love at least 2 different person at one time and u just cant decide *yet* with who u really want to spend rest of ur life with...
and at the same time, u also know.. by doing that, u hurt those people that u love.. u hurt urself..

this is only apply for the condition when u really feel u are in love with the other partner. not the 'playboy or playgirl' situation..

as its stated on the slide, the way to extinguish the fire is by removing 1 of the element..
again, IMO.. the one who should be remove.. is urself, the oxygen..
because ur existing, there are the heat & the fuel..
so, its u oxygen.. the element that needs to be removed...

this is a picture of me, try to extinguish the fire..


by thinking this, i got an explanation why cheating is A.K.A playing with fire...
well, *again* IMO when it comes to relationship.. just avoid the word "play".. no matter it is with fire or something else..
because feeling.. is not something you should play around with..

this song got video clip with the fire fighter.. i think kinda suitable for the topic..
http://www.elyrics.net/read/j/jewel-lyrics/intuition-lyrics.html

lets discuss about zodiac..

as a normal girl, its the MUST read section in magazines..

but sometimes.. im a lil' bit confuse..

these are the reasons..
1. sebagai orang yg lahir tgl 22 september, kadang gw masuk bintang virgo tapi kadang gw msk ke libra..
yup, tanggal lahir gw merupakan batas antara virgo dan libra..

2. untuk pembawaan karakter sendiri..
heemmm... it will be a big lie, kalo gw bilang gw feminim.. boleh jadi rambut gw panjang tergerai dan kadang2 terlihat memakai rok..
tapi.. gw kl ngomong nyablak, aga2 suka melakukan kekerasan juga, dan sifat2 sikap2 lain yang jaaauuuhhh bgt dr feminim..
padahal, virgo kan lambangnya wanita anggun gmn gitu..

nah kl karakter libra...
hemm.. lambangnya timbangan, jadi..
bisa dibilang, orangnya bakal banyak pertimbangan..
nah, yg ini malah rada2 gw banget...
gw tuh kadang kelamaan & kebanyakan mikir..
sampe2 ada yg bilang "u're thinking too much"
=(

well, anyway..
gw cuma mau berbagi cerita aja..
bukan topik berat untuk di baca.. dan tumben2an ga ada topik cinta2an juga..
=P

jadi.. apa bintangmu??

http://sejuta-mp3.com/h/heydi-diana/heidy-diana-bintangku-bintangmu/

uuu.. dont assume anything about the title..
its a title from a book actually. IMO, this book is too good to be true..

tadinya buku ini ya cuma sekedar 'buku' aja bt gw..
sampe ada bagian di buku ini, dimana terdapat kalimat
"i will never forget the day when we fell in love"

its making me turn-on the "flash back" mode...
i strongly believe, that i did fall in love in my past..
(no need to know how many time ya..) ^_*

dan..
i cant remember!!
*blank*
*panic*
how come i cant remember the day when i fell in love??!!!

i remember the person of course..
but until i type this blog, i still cant remember the day.. not just the day, even the moment that trigger the "i love u" words to came out..
crap!!

is it because, maybe.. i never did?

is it good or bad, to forget about something that we might had??

then, when i continue to read the book (and still trying hard to remember this thing)..
i found the answer..

MY answer actually..
and the answer is,
i dont remember when i fell in love with u, all i can remember is i do love u..

"i just love u"

and thats about it...

i dont love anyone because they loves me back..
i dont love anyone because they able to give me this and give me that..
i dont love anyone because he is physically attractive hot looking guy..

i do love someone because i just do..
no reason, no explanation, no justification..

nothing, but this feeling inside..

so...

have you ever been in love??

http://www.lyrics007.com/Celine%20Dion%20Lyrics/Have%20You%20Ever%20Been%20In%20Love%20Lyrics.html

yup, thats the new nickname for u..

wonder what are u doing rite now..
is it only me whos waiting to see u online??

i know its kinda strange, how this feeling came..
but the strangest thing is.. how its grow so fast to be this strong..

i dont give a damn what people thinking..
i just starting to like u..
and maybe like we both said.. its only temporary feeling..

but stupid me!
i think im to excited to finally felt this kinda feeling again..

pretty much u know about my past.. about "those matters"
i got a lil' bit traumatic.. emm.. ok a lil' big traumatic maybe more correct.. =P

but suddenly u came, and suddenly this thing called "chemistry" came out of nowhere..
its funny, its shocking and sadly.. its sad also..
because somehow..
"i still feel it"

well, my fault i know to brought up this issue so fast..
when we said we want to take things slowly..

oh God.. i cant imagine my face if we meet..
i think it will be like a boiled crab!!
*LOL

but hey, i thank u for ur present in my life..
i know its kinda short notice for u to come & go..

but at least, u made me realize that im not numb..
and this feeling is not dumb..

one more important thing, please do like urself..
ure a good man..
*trust me*

hemm.. thinking hard what song should i give for this blog...
and i still dunno the right song..
=(

maybe if somehow u read this blog, u can help find a good song for it..


last but not least..

ttyl :)


*nb
i think i found a good song..
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jamesmorrison/yougivemesomething.html

what do u think??

Dear friends,

On July 3rd 2010, we had our convo..
ready or not.. it will take us to different level of life..
for me personally, i have no reason to go back to Malaysia anymore..
sad, im fallin love with the country already..
but it was u guys that made my days..

some of u might know, that i hate the word "goodbye",
so i will just say "Hasta Manana"

Hasta manana tiqa..
i really have lot of things to say bout u.. but i will make this page full if im doin it.. so i just wanna say.. "Thank you".. thanks for everything, thanks for being normal when im not, thanks for being so understanding when i choose the "not so good" way, thanks for not judging me for it.. thanks darling.. hope that i can be a good friend for u too.. *smooch*

Hasta manana booby..
hem, u.. what can i say.. u made my life like a roller coaster.. the one who convinced me to study in Binary (damn to ariel also), but thanks God u gave me place to stay.. u really taught me lot of things and somehow, i thank u for that..
keep doin what u're dreamin on.. and perhaps someday we finally see ur name reach out to the sky..

Hasta manana ade..
i know that u're younger than me.. but sometimes ure so much mature than me.. i envy ur ability to think so damn logically.. i wish i have that talent a bit.. but thank u for always share that particular talent with me.. i really need it.. =P

Hasta manana adi..
uncle adi.. the victim of my slipper.. hahaha.. thanks for ur internet connectivity when we were in 3rd floor.. it did help for my love relationship.. =P
and thanks for the promise.. "janji pizza adi" yes.. i will remember to eat veggie.. *hueks* =P

not forget to mention,
Amdani Chandra, Jocky Marciano, and Ariel Al-Muttaqin...
where ever u are rite now.. whatever u do.. best of luck to u guys..

and i also have my personal things that i left in Malaysia..

Hasta manana purple sky,
u know, somehow when i see u.. i always feel so peaceful.. ur present at 7am.. yes, i will miss that.. "langit unguku pada jam tujuh"

Hasta manana mba2 lada & ibu es kelapa..
sorry, i just cant tell the truth to u all.. things are different now.. but one thing that remain the same.. i do like u all..

Hasta Manana 3rd floor
here, i saw the purple sky for the 1st time.. lot of things happened.. from the sparkling juice until 2 pans successfully burnt by adi.. thank u guys.. for being good housemates...

Hasta Manana conversation with 3 doors
how?? are we ready to start the conversation again?? are we already achieve some of our dreams?? hopefully yes, or maybe if its no.. we're going there and will be arriving soon.. =)

Hasta manana 4th floor
from the bee's tragedy until the surprise party.. laugh, tear, surprise and lot of things we shared.. =)

Hasta manana My Castle
i dont know how u are rite now.. but the memories remain..

well, still got plenty of people, places and memories that i want to share..
but this blog got character limitation i think..
so, allow me to finish this blog rite now..
with lot of thanks to
juba, nisa, nike, ziko, angie, ben, privena, amjad, thanesh, arafat, zulian, and ahmed..


Hasta Manana all..


http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/vitaminc/graduationfriendsforever.html

another train was passing me by..
left me all alone in the station..

but i wont blame it to them..
they have the right to move on..
when i just stood there and wondering..

yes, wondering..

wondering about the old time train..

it makes me questioning all of the things..
it makes me afraid to take new direction..

just thinking, is it right?
is it gonna be good?
is it gonna end again?
then, i waste my time by thinking too much..

maybe i should start to stop thinking about how it might end..
because perhaps, it wont end..

well, i hope another train is coming my way..
im getting tired sitting all alone in this station..
its really getting colder here..

but still, i wont pick up any train..
only the train with similar final destination worth my ride..

and i know, theres price to pay with this decision..

some trains will passing through and maybe make the dust flying to my eyes..
but i will just wipe it away and smile..
because i know, God have a better plan..
and i will find a way back to my destined train..

=)

http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/h/hugh_grant/way_back_into_love.html