to be honest, im in the middle of such a big dilemma..

i need to choose between my head or my heart, since those things are not in the same page for this matter rite now..

my question to myself will be:
do i want to be a head without a heart, or vice versa?

its easy to say, why dont u have both?
the problem is, i can't.

my heart said, "it feels so good when we start out.."
my head said, "get a grip girl!! unless u're dying to cry ur heart out.."

then, its not helping at all when i read about my horoscope from yahoo site.
"Up and down, back and forth, just like a roller coaster. That's what your head and heart will go through today, as your mood swings this way and that."

see, im stuck between the head and the heart.. my head and my heart...

in my past, i surely will follow what my heart said..
but turns out, it can be a big dissapointment..
and when it does, my heart just gonna cry.. and my head will take control to heal it.. with a sentence "told you!"

i dont know.. i dont think im ready to face chances of being hurt or any other consequences..
i cant afford it.. not yet.. not with ur attitude...

sometimes, this uncertainty is killing me..
and i think, i just reached my boiling point..

but still, if only...

http://liriklaguindonesia.net/a/armada-band/armada-mau-dibawa-kemana/

talking about me..
im a lady who always think that there is always an explanation about everything..

and just few weeks ago, i found a good explanation about something..

in indonesia, when people cheated. they usually called it "bermain dengan api" or "playing with fire"

i always wondering, why they called it that way.. until that day, i had my fire training..

the trainer explain about fire, how to extinguish, etc.. but there were 2 slides, that made me like... "ahaaa.. this is the answer for what i've been questioning all this time"
here's the screenshot:



in the slide, she told me that fire is trigger by 3 elements.. heat, oxygen, and fuel..
same with cheating.. its usually involve 3 parties. urself, ur partner, and the other partner..
everything will be under control, if you only have urself and ur partner.. but once, there is someone else join the cycle... life will get pretty hot..
picture urself as the oxygen.. ur partner as the heat.. and the other one as the fuel..

as an oxygen, u are neutral.. there always be 'heat' in any relationship.. which, oxygen can still handle it.. but when the 'fuel' come.. its like 2 vs 1.. the oxygen gonna lose.. urself gonna lose...

if someone think, that in a relationship when 1 of the person cheated.. the one who get hurt so bad will be the not-cheated party.. well, IMO its not totally right.. because theres still a possibility, that the one who cheated is the one who got hurt so bad..

its like, u are in a position when u love at least 2 different person at one time and u just cant decide *yet* with who u really want to spend rest of ur life with...
and at the same time, u also know.. by doing that, u hurt those people that u love.. u hurt urself..

this is only apply for the condition when u really feel u are in love with the other partner. not the 'playboy or playgirl' situation..

as its stated on the slide, the way to extinguish the fire is by removing 1 of the element..
again, IMO.. the one who should be remove.. is urself, the oxygen..
because ur existing, there are the heat & the fuel..
so, its u oxygen.. the element that needs to be removed...

this is a picture of me, try to extinguish the fire..


by thinking this, i got an explanation why cheating is A.K.A playing with fire...
well, *again* IMO when it comes to relationship.. just avoid the word "play".. no matter it is with fire or something else..
because feeling.. is not something you should play around with..

this song got video clip with the fire fighter.. i think kinda suitable for the topic..
http://www.elyrics.net/read/j/jewel-lyrics/intuition-lyrics.html